Growing up is officially a scam and turning 26 is sort of a bitter sweet moment for me. My 25th was one that felt like a movie and that’s why in so many ways, I was forced to grow up.
Heart aches and melt downs;
At 25, I was forced to face a fact I thought was an illusion; Betrayal. My heart was broken into a million pieces and I remember everything that surrounded this unfortunate event made me feel like death. This was one of the very many occasions that lit up a fire under my ass and I just had to look at relationships differently.
Dating in the 21st century should be added to the list of a thousand ways to die, (LOL!) a huge part of my soul went silent. It’s as if that part it didn’t exist. It was pitch dark. Writing this now, I can smile and laugh about it but at that time, all I wanted to do was to make it stop.
And while my heart was breaking like cheap glass, I was faced with a certain uncomfortable truth; I was not as special as I thought I was LOL!! The world just smacked me really hard on the head with that reality and boy did I try to put up a fight that I just kept losing over and over again, and amidst all these fighting, I realized that the only person I can be special to is ME. Mary can only be valuable to Mary. I can never control what people feel about me because they owe me nothing…. absolutely nothing! People will only choose to do right by you when they choose to.
Now the question of whether I will ever be able to love again…I don’t know. I hope so, to the right person and to the person that continuously chooses me…yes! Definitely….but in the meantime, I’ll be healing and having fun!
Now away from the sob story…
And still on my 25th, I was forcefully thrown into adulthood when I finally decided to move out!! It was my best and worst decision. Best because I got to see the world different with no safety net from my mom and the thrill fascinated me. I had to open up my mind and look beyond our door step.
Worst because I realized I could barely survive on one source of income. It could never be enough.
So I started hustling and trust me starting out wasn’t easy (it still isn’t). I cried on the inside so many times my inside tears almost ran out (a story for another day). Looking at people running their businesses, made it seem like a piece of cake and I just wanted to quit every time (I still do). But the thing about me, is that I never give up on anything my heart tells me to keep at.
So yeah, I’ve had to learn how to manage my finances, prioritize and most importantly BUDGET. Nobody tells you how expensive detergent or tissue is. They run out like water in the dry Sahara… weeeehhh!!! (Ni kubaya!!) Food is also bloody expensive especially in this fucked up economy.
Taking responsibility is another thing: In the past, I’ve never really had to answer to anything or take responsibility for much but now with work and everything I’m involved in, I’ve had to suck up and let go of my ego. When something doesn’t get done or when I fail at something, I don’t put it on anyone or anything. I take responsibility and try and learn from every experience I go through.
I’ve taken to becoming a student of life. One gets to learn a lot when you speak less and listen more to not just anything, but to what is right for you. I know I’ll become a Mogul one day and it won’t happen in a day or in a year, or closing myself up in a box, I have to open up; observe and listen.
In all honesty it’s not easy growing up and older. Turning 26 feels like a mountain and all of a sudden, I keep asking myself if I’ve done enough so far. I think the biggest regret would be to grow and not achieved as much. ‘Your twenties are all about hustling and trying out everything you feel you need to do.’ Someone dear to me keeps telling me when I get lost in my worry pit. And I hope and strive to live by that mantra.