Loosing a child or not being able to conceive are the most painful things that can befall a woman. Missing out on cupping that belly to feel that being growing inside you I think is a devastating feeling…Sadly, I’ve become familiar with this experience through my sister June who recently miscarried for the third time.
June and her husband have been happily married for five years now. They’ve been trying for a child numerous times and have sought medical advice from different doctors and nobody can really decipher the issue. Recently though, June was so excited about her unexpected pregnancy that she made us take an oath not to tell anyone until their second trimester was solid. That was until we received that dreaded phone call from her hubby…’June lost the child again.’ The disappointment and shock from his voice killed a little bit of soul in us.
Visiting June in the hospital was not easy. She tried acting strong but it was clear she was going through so much. After uncomfortable moments of silence, she asked mom, “ Is there something wrong with me? What did I do so wrong, that the world chose to punish me in such a way?” Tears just ran freely and the only thing mom could do was to hold June. “You are my daughter and there’s nothing that will ever change that fact. We will find a solution to this but as of now…just breath we are here for you”
Issues of infertility are seen, as taboo especially based on our African society believes. Miscarriages and not being able to convince are just some of the ways women are denied their miracles. Biologically, these can be caused by a couple of things such as hormonal imbalance, extremely brief menstrual cycles, stress, excess weight, fibroids and birth defects just to name a few.
On the other hand though, men too go through issues of infertility. Having a low sperm count can be one of the reasons, which as a result, does not lead to conception. However though, as we are accustomed to, most guys deny this fact and choose to continually blame the women in their life. This is wrong. Why? Because as much as we’ve been raised to believe that men should always be strong, we should also accept that issues such as these can affect them too. This doesn’t make you any less of a man.
Allow me to delve into an issue that took place about a month ago closely related to this.Recently in the news, an awful tale was told of a young couple that lost one of their twin sons to a woman claiming to be a ‘good samaritan.’
The story, which fortunately finally had a happy ending, put a couple of things into perspective; would a lady who’s faced so much loss or failed pregnancies be pushed to steal a baby to fill the gap that has continued growing with every loss?? Would our June be pushed to such actions?? How would I judge her? On what basis?…I can’t imagine the kind of hurt and pain a woman goes through when they here the cry of a baby, or when they see mothers caring for their new born…
Has anyone ever thought of how we choose to deal with women who constantly go through this ordeal? Are they provided any counseling? Any support groups set in place by doctors or hospitals to help the victims? This can also include support groups for couples too. Think about it…yes family and friends can always be there for you but at times it’s better to go through the healing journey with those who have gone through the same situation. It creates a special kind of comfort to the affected.
It’s okay to mourn or grief as long as you want…no one has a right to tell you what to do with your grief…deal with it the best way you know how but also remember that it is okay to ask for help…and receive it too.
Are there solutions to this issue and legal at that? Yes there are and adoption is one of them but this option doesn’t sit well with most people. You don’t believe me, carry out an exercise and ask a couple of friends on what they think about adopting children. Most people would probably not be comfortable with the suggestion. They will probably say no then give a very long explanation of why it is not okay, give certain believes that are clearly there’s. Well everyone is entitled to their opinion and this is a free judgment zone. Besides who can blame us…we’ve been raised to believe things a certain way.
Adoption is a viable process. It’s the legal way and besides this, if you engage in this process you get a chance to give a child with no home a family, love and a chance to have a normal all rounded comfortable up bringing.
I know blood is thicker than water and it is what technically makes us family, but there are people we meet and create special connections with and as a result become family…but sadly adoption has a downside. It is not a cheap process not forgetting the process can go up to an year or so with background checks and the likes. So all I can say is that if you are in a position to do it then go ahead.
Surrogacy and IVF are not a popular choices here in Kenya. The constitution in itself doesn’t clearly define the laws that surround the whole process but yes they are practiced by very few. Furthermore, they’re not cheap. They can go upto a half a million or even more if you include treatment for IVF and the tests and catering for the surrogates expenses.
Coming up with a conclusion for this I must say has been the most difficult task I’ve had since I started writing. They say labor is one of the most painful process the human body can take…but what makes it more amazing is the joy and healing power that comes along with it when the mother gets the first look and hold of her new born…they say it was worth everything they had to endure but fate has it that not every woman goes through this life changing process and that is okay…there’s nothing wrong with you if it doesn’t happen. We live in the 21st century that provides other options thanks to science or adoption as stated earlier. As a community too lets stop judging women and families that cant have this very special experience…if you cant offer help or support then walk away
This goes out to My June one of the strongest people I know and the families going through these events…some journeys are a bit complicated than some. I consider you the strongest soldiers on the field