Fallen Grace

You got it in you

Introductions make me nervous. As a new kid in class it gets to play out in a rather twisted way. Being a newbie, you never know if guys will go all ‘mean girls’ on you or be a tinsy bit accommodating. So you just stand there looking at these strangers expecting the worst while hoping for the best.

Well right now that’s how I feel, like the new kid on the block because I’ve been gone for a while now, almost a month I guess. I took a break from Marykenya and as a result, it  has been on the down low. Now I hope to be as honest with you about my story today, while I at least try to be protective of the people and situations I hold dear.

Here we go!!! So 2019 hasn’t been a hurray year for me since the very beginning. It started off in the worst way. I’m not trying to be superstitious but I guess that particular start, put on the same bad energy.

Have you ever sat back and just watched your life and thought, ‘No way this is a movie. This can’t be my life.’ Or you just keep asking yourself, ‘who did I wrong that the universe got to do me like this???’ That’s been me. I’ve literally been walking on land mines because every step or move I try to make just ends up exploding in my face.

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I’ve made more losses than wins this year. I lost relationships with people I held so close to my heart…guys I considered my ride or die just erased from my life which by the way, broke my heart into a million pieces. As a result, these events caused a couple of chain reactions which resulted to me going through depression in the worst way possible. As I said before, stuff I see happening on scripted scenes in movies, have basically been the story of my life.

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At the beginning of the year, I remember crying for 20 days straight! Not a single day skipped without me waking up crying or going to sleep crying.

This year for me just proved I wasn’t strong as I thought…it came as a complete shock to me because I thought I was freaking wonder woman.

Betrayal is hard to go through… it’s not something you can turn off and move on… it’s a process… especially when you get to move on from people you loved the most….or lost in situations where you felt your future depended on.

Here’s how I tried dealing;

I tried ignoring my issues by pushing them aside and all it did was just make me sick and tired. I was running so fast from my problems while working like a maniac and once I couldn’t run anymore, I broke down where I stood. Everything that was chasing me came crushing.

Then I decided to go through the other route…I decided to feel everything and that was still a problem. Why?? Because I lost myself trying to reach out to other people…people I considered my clan…I gave my all and was left completely empty. An empty shell and that made me sick to my stomach because I felt my self slip away and I hated the feeling. I loathed the actions I took and once again it came crushing down…..

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So what did I learn: Balance…balance is important. It’s okay to feel… it’s okay to be sad and not smile all the time. It’s ok to forget about your problems for a while and just be in the moment. It’s ok to work to distract yourself but it’s never okay to lose yourself trying to save situations that are impossible to change, or save people who are not worth saving or at times are worth saving but don’t put in any effort to save themselves.

I lost the person who I was…looking at the mirror now, I can’t recognize the person looking back at me…cliche I know but it’s true…I realize where I’m at and I know that I have a lot of work to do…a looot. What has been amazing out of this hell of a situation is that I’ve been reconnecting with my first wife and that makes me so happy…too happy infact and now, I need to get back to my second love (Marykenyablog) I’m slowly getting back to writing and I’m glad this bitch has been holding it down despite me being away… I’m grateful.

My Take;

This experience has taught me that depression can be as real as you and me… it’s a slippery slope…it isolates you and you end up feeling alone most of the times even amidst a million people…it plays tricks on your mind and it literally destroys you from the inside out…it manifests itself and you end up getting physically sick…

But here’s the thing. It’s not permanent…your mind is the most powerful instrument…it can either build you up or destroy you…We can’t control what happens to us, but we can try and control how we react to the events in our lives. And it’s okay if things break you down because this gives you a chance to build yourself back up…

Staying down and picking yourself is a decision. If you’re going through something, know that it’s okay, I’m going through it on my end. Our stories may not be the same… you’re probably going through more than I am, but you’re still breathing and at times that’s enough. There are days where breathing is all you can do…so just breath. Let’s take it one day at a time…they won’t all be rainbows and unicorns but thing is, we’ll go through them all the same.

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