Grief is such a complicated feeling…there moments in between where you feel fine and even good but there are moments where you feel waves of emotions just flood your mind and heart and that’s where the feeling of heaviness comes in.
My grieving process has been weird to say the least. I’ve been strong and barely holding on all at the same time. I’ve been carrying the people I love on the back and being quite okay with it. In fact, I’ve been taking up more responsibilities and being more proactive with everything that I do.
There are times I thought I was avoiding my feelings but with each passing day I have realized that that’s not the case, rather, that everyone has their process and this has been mine. Do I have moments where I’m down? Yes of course I find myself either taking time to sleep of my emotions or just taking moments of silence outside trying to enjoy the little sun that is around.
I have accepted the fact that heaviness is part of all of this…and this heaviness is manifested in so many different ways; sadness, anger, feelings of insecurity, anxiety and at times, numbness. I allow myself to feel all of them as they come knowing very well that it’s part of the healing process, and that they’re not here to stay they are just passing.
What has really helped me though, is my faith. I’ve kept close to God in every aspect. I chose to surrender it all to God because He is the author of my life. Constant prayer, reading of his word and just meditating has been a complete life saver. I believe that He is in control. I choose to run to Him first before running to anyone else. I cry to Him and I constantly talk to him because He is both my Father and my friend (Hapa nimefika niyeye.) He’s truly been faithful.
So that’s my story…I know time makes everything a bit easier and provides more clarity but at the end of the day, life has to move on. No matter how hard it is. I choose to show up for myself and loved ones. I know it’s not going to be easy but I’ll conquer. There days it will seem impossible, but I’ll get through whole or in pieces. Trust me. Even your darkest days do come to an end. I got this!!