And there he was, on bended knee before my friends and family. In what was supposed to be movie night for us, turned out to be a surprise engagement. Was I shocked, yes! How? This was not supposed to happen! Well, at least not now. Maybe a year or two later? Maybe? I don’t know, my mind was just running wild at this point…
I loved him yes, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but when this fact presented itself as an actual question, I got tongue-tied, I wasn’t ready to answer it! I mean don’t get me wrong, I was happy we got to this point. He made me happy. He made me feel safe. But would this feeling last till eternity? (at least our version of eternity) I mean look around you, Nairobi in itself is a hub filled with frustrated relationships. One big bedroom as they like to call it.
…Before we found each other, I had given up in all matters love. Was this the reason why all these contradicting emotions crossed my mind? He had hurt me as well at some point; he broke my heart into tiny pieces I actually didn’t think I would be able to recover let alone look at him. But here we were, happy I guess trying to work through everything we had put each other through.
He asked again; “Will you marry me?” And his eyes…aaahhh they just pierced through my soul. Still in disbelief and fumbling between dropping my popcorn and trying to give him my hand, I went numb again.
“Do you really want to do this thing called life with this man? Is he worth taking on all that risk? What about loyalty? Does he value it as much as you do? Would he be a good Dad, the right fit for my children?” All these questions kept coming in thick and fast.
…I’m tearing up and I don’t know whether it’s because of all these emotions running through my mind, the pressure of having to say yes to this man or is it because of all these people here to celebrate my apparent happy ever after.
Relationships as I’ve said time and again aren’t easy. They have their upsides of course that we live for and the downsides that we dread. They have no manual or any kind of guideline we’re all just out here winging it hoping for the best. It’s some scary shit. So if it scares you it’s okay, taking a chance on someone isn’t easy. We just do it with the hope that we’ve made the right decision
So did I end up saying yes? Did I say nothing and run for the hills for cover?
The aim here was to show or tell you guys that’s it’s okay for you to question lifetime decisions such as marrying someone, making a long term commitment to them or even starting a family with them. Of course, people will judge you but at the end of the day, who cares? You are the person who is going to end up living that life so think, question and then make that decision. No answer is right or wrong just do what makes you happy.
As we celebrate this month of love, Marykenya will be working on pieces that will get you in the mood for Valentines so stay tuned!