Walking into church when the service is already on is one of the most uncomfortable feelings ever and paring up a pair of clunky noisy heels with an outfit that stands out, doesn’t make it easier. Everybody shifts their focus from the preachings and turn to you, their new gospel truth!
And now here I am. I don’t know how or where to start but I feel like that person walking into that packed church hall and the only difference between my hall and the scenario above, is that I’m the main anticipated speaker.
It’s hard to make eye contact with the people in the audience as I walk in because I’m trying not to be weird with my walk. (You know, I want to look cool and classy.)
I finally get to the stage and I’m well received by the MC. My hands are really cold. (They get that way when I’m extremely anxious, scared or sick.) I’m hoping she won’t feel my anxiety sieving through my body. I feel ready to take the podium but what I want to do is to run out of this place. Facing you guys isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. (That’s probably why I’ve been holding off since the beginning of this article.)
Now, this piece will be a little different because I feel its time I get to reintroduce myself to you guys. Why? Because I feel that I had the wrong approach to this big scary giant called blogging.
”I love writing. Writing is me. It’s how I get to express myself and it’s how I let people in. Writing is both easy and hard. It’s both a blessing and a curse. It gives me life and at times, it makes me feel like death. I’m glad I can write and I’m glad I can learn how to do it better as time goes by, but it sucks balls when I can’t seem to make sense or come up with something that blows my mind away.”
”…these are the times that creep me out and I start doubting who I am as a writer. This happened recently as I was working on this particular piece and I ended up not posting for a while.”
”Writing this year has been quite a challenge for me. I got a little too confident last year and when I was faced with certain struggles recently, I shut down. My so-called ego couldn’t help me anymore…and so, I ended up crawling inside this huge hole that reeked with disappointment and failure.”
How did I get here?
”For some time now, I have felt different in so many ways. A lot has happened that was either expected or came out of the blue. My relationships, family and, work have made me a completely different animal thus far. I have received love, hate, confusion and, the enlightenment that I believe has shaped me into a better person.” (I’d want to believe)
”But even with all that growth, I bluntly became a dinosaur. I refused to see reason. I refused to evolve and as a result, it caused a ripple effect on everything Marykenyablog. My writing was affected, how I presented Marykenyablog changed and I just hit an all-time low.” I take a deep sigh…a huge weight has been lifted.
….And with each word that comes out of my mouth, I can feel my shame leave the dark corners of my heart and thoughts. My breathing has changed and I finally feel calm and free.
…I can feel my audience lean in, I’ve hooked a majority of them and now I no longer feel alone on this journey that has been in most parts, very lonely. My strength is renewed and I feel ready to face the world…
”There’re a lot of times I’ve avoided writing by distracting myself with unnecessary tasks to justify my hiatus. I know I can never run away from myself but at times it’s nice to believe that I can. The snap back to reality though is usually not a funny one.”
“But I’m here with all my insecurities, my fears, my shortcomings and, everything that may be wrong with me, I’m here and I’m willing to continue writing and sharing with the world that both scares me and excites me all at the same time. I still have no idea what I’m doing half of the time but figuring it out as I go is the best way to learn.”
”I hope that through Marykenyablog, I get to connect with my readers, create a safe space for them to share and also create exciting content that will entertain them. I’m ready to put myself in an uncomfortable position to become the very best writer/blogger I can be.”
Walking off stage feels completely different. I’m genuinely smiling at my audience. And that’s more than enough for me.