HomeCandidHonest conversations with Marykenya: Get out of your head!!
May 4, 2020
Honest conversations with Marykenya: Get out of your head!!
…I wonder when I love me is enough.’
Famous lyrics from one of my favorites, Demi Lavato: listening to Love me on repeat one afternoon, just hit different and at that moment, I decided to call up Dr. Susan.
So there I was back on my therapist’s couch. Overwhelmed and a little tired, I decided to lie down and face the ceiling. I thought it would make me feel better and hey! I’d basically look like the guys on TV getting their therapy on! Cool right? NOT!
I needed to take this session seriously because a lot was at stake. It felt like my life was on the line.
“So what brings us back here?” She asked in a very concerned tone… “I thought we were doing better. I thought we were trusting the process and making it work.”
“Well Doc, I thought I was. I really thought I was doing okay but I think there’s something we didn’t fix. I’m still very broken…well to say the truth a lot more broken than I thought.”
“Now, now, now…” I thought we agreed on stopping the negative talks towards thyself. Didn’t we?”
“Hahahaha Doc!!” Almost chocking, and in an attempt to sit up to face her…
“Thyself??!!! Hahaha that’s new Doc it evens sounds more serious now that you have chosen to use that very ancient word.”
Our little discovery tickled our funny bone for a while which made us a bit comfortable. It sort of re-established the previous doctor/patient relationship we had before. It was safe again.
“Now…away from all the jokes,” Susan asked trying to steer the conversation back to why I made the appointment with her.
“Why are we really here Mary?”
“Doc I think I really messed up. I think I’m an addict.”
With a straight face, I stared right back at her without flinching. I didn’t think it scared her I’m pretty sure in her years of practice, she had probably seen worse.
“And what would make you say that? This has never come up in any of our previous sessions. Is there something we missed?”
“I guess so. But it’s not either of our faults. It’s something I’ve been struggling with. It was an underlying issue that neither of us had a clue of or I subconsciously chose to hide”
“Can I share a theory with you Doc?” I asked.
“Yes go ahead.” She said as she leaned in with interest.
“I…I think I enjoy self-sabotaging myself. It’s like a drug I can’t get enough of from time to time. We have discussed on the importance of setting up routines that work right?”
She nodded in approval…
“Well I find myself doing amazing most times but from the moment I miss following a tiny detail out of the plan, I end up digging a huge hole where I usually fall in. It gets worse when I choose to stay.
“I mean to this day, I don’t know how I end up doing that every single time. I feel like it has really affected my growth.”
Standing up out of frustration, I found myself pacing back and forth as she just sat there waiting for me to unravel. Trusting the process maybe, I don’t know. All I cared about at that moment was to get off everything I was filling off my chest. I needed to feel less crazy and this was the only chance I could get.
“I’m reading and I’m writing two very important aspects for Marykenya to thrive and grow. But I’m stuck. I put myself in the hole I told you about. A hole I can’t seem to crawl out of…This particular one seems to be special because this one is bigger, and it keeps filling up with water!!
“There are times I feel like a fraud. I feel fake…do you feel like that at times? The last three months have felt like the worst roller coaster ride in the world. I’ve gone through so many different emotions and states of mind honestly; at times I think I lose my mind from time to time…
“First, this isolation period has not been easy. Sitting alone in the house with nothing but your thoughts to deal with isn’t fun…and I know it’s not supposed to be because the world is going through it.
“…I know I can do better…I feel it when I wake up…when I’m writing and working…I just know I’m meant for amazing things but for that to happen, I need to work twice as hard towards that because greatness doesn’t get you in your sleep. It requires sacrifice…a lot of it and a special kind of dedication.
Now here’s where I feel the problem comes in, knowing all these things and yet not following through what I set for myself. I can’t begin to explain the kind of routines I have set for myself; about a million because I understand the aspect of building good habits that will build the character to carry on my greatness…”
“So you feel like you’re your own worst enemy?? You’re literally standing in your way to the best version of yourself right?” she interrupted to try pull m back to reality.
“Yes Doc…and that’s where I ask myself do I genuinely love myself? I’ve questioned that regularly ever since I read the 5 AM club by Robin Sharma where he shed light on a whole new perspective on self-love and that fact hit like a backhand slap. Here is what he said:
Failing to keep self-promises is one of the reasons so many of us don’t love ourselves. Not following through on what we tell destroys our sense of personal worth and dissolves our self-esteem.”
“Wow Mary…that’s quite insightful I’ve always loved how well-read you are…it gives you quite an edge.”
“Well…” caught a bit off guard… “Thanks Doc. You know how important growth is to me, that’s where books come in and that’s the reason why we’re here.”
I know what’s best for me. I seek it but I haven’t taken the time to build a character strong enough to pursue it.”
“Huuhhh…I think we’re making our way out of the very confused forest that is my brain.”
“Discipline is something I thought I had. Shock on me when it came to actually putting it into practice; I failed miserably!! I mean discipline is supposed to make sure I get to my goal even when my motivation ran out, right?
“But mine…woii!! Is it because I don’t want it as badly as I thought I did? Spoilt maybe? Stuck in my comfort zone because it feels safe enough cozy, familiar with no danger?”
There was a long pause and some silence that went on after this statement…
Doctor Susan was always calm. Something I really admired about her. Even when the world in my head seemed to be crashing down and burning to ashes, she has a way of making it feel safe again.
“Now Mary, you have the answers to your problem. You’ve stated each problem and provided solutions. You’re a very smart lady who can conquer everything set before her…you just need to get out of your head and start living. That way, you will stop being your own worst enemy…Do more and think less at least… keep those promises to yourself. Do what needs to be done and stop slacking. Step up and do what needs to be done and besides you’re doing good.”