Stacey…Beautiful wonderful Stacey was just like everyone else. Just like you and me doing the very best they could to make this thing called life happen and work. But today was different; she was having her normal typical day when all of a sudden everything went black and the next thing she knew she was in the hospital with a million tubes attached to her. She looked over the room she was in and she could see her husband and mother in deep discussion with worry written all over their faces.
She tried calling out to them but she was too weak to even let two words out. But the groaning she let out caught their attention and they immediately rushed to her side.
“Honey…Honey are you okay?” Tim her husband called out to her while trying to hold on to her hand…
Stacey nodded her head in reassurance as she looked over to her mom whose face read worry. Her only child was suffering and for once in her life, she didn’t know how to fix it.
“My love please rest…you need to save up on your energy. The doctor says you were very fatigued when you were brought in.”
“It’s okay mom I’m fine just a little dizzy but I’ll be okay.” She struggled to let the words out.
There was something different about her response. She didn’t want to look at her husband. In fact, she sort of dragged off her husband’s grip and slowly shrugged him off to face her mother.
This was weird because if you knew the couple, they never shied away from PDA. Walking down the street, sitting in a restaurant, getting social at a party, you would know these guys were completely in love.
Her mom looked over at Tim to sort of signal him out of the room for a while to get to the bottom of this and he immediately took the cue. He gave her a slight pat on the back and left the room.
“My dear, what happened to you today in the office? Your friends from work say you were waiting for the elevator when you fainted and completely lost consciousness. How can I fix this dear? What can I do because all your tests came out negative!! Physically nothing is wrong with you but we can’t ignore the fact that indeed something is wrong with you…talk to me. I am your mother.
A tear could be seen running down her face… she could no longer look at her mother. She felt ashamed and defeated. She wanted to scream and shout and run and hide but she had already done all that. She has been running from the truth for a very long time. She might have not noticed it at first but her heart just needed a break from everything.
…she was carrying a lot…more than she needed to carry. Her companions for the past year and a half, were guilt, anger, resentment, hate, self-loathing, doubt, pain, unhappiness, bitterness, and all sorts of negative thoughts.
Here’s the thing. Sheila grew up pretty normal and the thing she held on to most was the power of love and loyalty. She wore it on her sleeve and made it known to anyone who met her. She was a very social person who made friends easily but wasn’t very close to a lot of people. Guys in her circle were close to seven people and this included her mother and husband. She was very good at reading people, she could smell the bullshit off someone during the first five minutes she met anyone and from there she knew how to deal with them according to what was presented to her.
Such people usually do good in life because they know what they’re dealing with and in most ways feel in control of whatever is in their circle. But what happens when there’s a loose knot on this safe circle? It causes a ripple effect that is so dangerous it shakes one to the core.
This is what happened to Sheila. Someone in her circle had broken this trust. She was completely blindsided and it broke her. It broke her bad….really bad. Tim had broken her heart and she had to find out through someone else. Talk about feeling like you’ve just been hit by a humungous bus out of nowhere. It was very messy…it broke her into pieces and she couldn’t even recognize herself. She couldn’t even bring herself to telling anyone. She was embarrassed and completely hurt.
“How!? How did this happen? How could he? I thought we loved each other? I thought we were different? I thought I gave you my all?? Why did he choose to stab me right in the heart? Sitting with her feelings she thought with time, all these would blow over.
But you know how life works…she decided to forgive…or at least she thought she did. They went through a talking period. They talked about a lot of what had to happen for them to at least work their way back to each other…he fought for her hard. He did everything in his power to get her back. Or at least he thought he did.
…Something changed…she thought she had forgiven him but really she hadn’t. Without even realizing it she started resenting her husband. The hurt and pain drove her to a point where she couldn’t know the difference between love and hate…she didn’t want to spend a lot of time with him. It got to a point where she dreaded that knock on the door when he came home from work or a trip. She didn’t want to talk about her work and passion with him. She just let him talk about his…she listened yes but all she felt was pain because, in her mind, she couldn’t really understand how he could move on so fast with his life while hers seemed to have stood still.
Time and again, she kept reliving this betrayal and she kept bringing it up in fights that just drained the relationship and her. It got to a point where her mind would just continuously run wild because all she could think about was all the worst possible outcomes that would come up in the future.
Had she thought about revenge? Yes, she had thought about it numerous times. She wanted to do it and even romanticized about it because she wanted him to feel the same pain she did. But at the end of the day, it wasn’t in her character. If worse came to the worst, she knew leaving was the solution.
…but there’s something she didn’t realize. She was taking in poison expecting the other person to die. She was expecting the other person to feel the same pain she was feeling. She wanted someone to sympathize with her more…but all she was doing was taking away from her essence. Don’t get me wrong she had every right to be angry at the situation. Every reaction at the time was completely justified. She had every right to feel everything when she was trying to heal but Sheila didn’t let herself heal. A part of her couldn’t let it go. And she didn’t realize how much it hurt her.
Over time, she couldn’t realize how much she had lost. She couldn’t recognize the person she had become. At times she stared into the mirror and couldn’t recognize the woman who stared back at her…she had lost so much of her identity fighting this very unnecessary battle.
But something had to give. One afternoon sitting in her living room, one book from her amazing book collection, called to her; How to stop worrying and start living By Dale Carnegie in some weird way, it just stood out to her she picked it up and just started to read it. It was not her first time reading it, she had gone through it a couple of years ago and it had provided so much insight. But that day, it just hit different. Three straight hours, she sat there reading and reflecting.
She felt the author actually talk to her. It was as if he was sited right there and that day she just let it all out…but more work had to be done.
Now this piece might be based on fictional characters but it is based on something that I’ve had to go through I’m thinking you have too; Holding on to pain and hurt longer than we should be. I was hurt yes, but holding on longer than I was supposed to hurt me and my authenticity. I may have pretended to forgive to try and get passed it but that wasn’t the right idea.
Up until the point I decided to let go and let God take control, I thought forgiveness was mainly based on the person that hurt me. Any friend or family member I decided to forgive when they did me wrong, I packaged it as a favor to them. I never did it for myself I guess.
Forgiveness is our gift from God. It is here to heal and mend. But most importantly it’s for us who choose to forgive…it helps us to heal and let go of whatever is hurting.
Dale Carnegie the author of How to stop worrying and start living in one of his chapters talked about this in one of his sub chapters: The High Cost of Getting Even and was what inspired this piece and before reviewing this amazing book, I had to write about this very personal topic because it acted as part of my healing process.
So, my dear friends…I know this world especially this particular year has been filled with a lot of pain and hurt and we go along carrying this around even without realizing it. It gets to us and with this; it stunts our growth mentally and emotionally.
Let go…let go and start healing it’s not easy because you need to be completely honest with yourself and most importantly be patient with you. Don’t let worry bring you down…what is done is done I know it’s hard to accept that but that’s the reality as hard as it is. It’s time to take our control back and find our way back to ourselves. Back to our authenticity…be free and detach yourself from this. Some days are going to be hard than others and that’s okay. You’re not failing you’re progressing in your own way…let go and free your heart and soul and don’t worry, as you go through this process just know that I’m right there with you.