Meet Amber

Amber wasn’t your average typical millennial full of life, she was one ready to take on the world. She took on anything the world threw at her; work, school, family and social life, she took it all on! She was a star! She was awesome, amazing! She was a dream.

She was loved and love was her. She took care of everyone around her and all she did was give, give, give! This got her mother a little worried and any time they would meet for their scheduled brunch, she would never fail to express this worry.

“My dear, I don’t know how you do it but I feel that one day you’ll run yourself to the ground. I’m afraid that one day you might end up losing yourself because you take care of everyone but yourself. You make time for everyone you love, what about you? You know it’s okay to say no ones in a while. Say no to me if your time doesn’t allow you to come for brunch. I’ll understand. I might get a little pissed off but I’d understand.

“Hahahaha mom!” She would answer as he held her mom’s hand.

“Thank you for always looking out for me I’m lucky to have you as my mom but I’ll be fine. I’ve got this handled.”

“Well, I’m glad I raised you right. Just take care of yourself. Take care of your heart. This world is a cruel one don’t forget that. Now I’m not trying to scare you or anything I just want you to be prepared for anything. I want you to trust. Not so much but enough. I want you to be brave and I want you to be courageous enough to face anything that comes your way. Ok?” 

She would say this with a smile on her face.

“Okay, mom.” She would say that with a smile on her face but at the back of her mind she wouldn’t still believe that her mother didn’t trust her. ‘she still thinks I’m a child but that’s fine.’ She would tell herself but in the end, she was glad she had her by her side.

Pandora’s box…

But Amber had a secret. She was in love. Scratch that, she was head over heels in love with a special kind of gentleman. Now here’s the thing. Amber was one who would talk about a lot of things in her life; her family, work and even her struggles but when it came to love, she stayed numb. It’s as if that side to her never existed.

It was a secret love. One she didn’t want the world to know about. She kept it close to her heart and whenever she thought about it, she would smile sheepishly out of the blues. 

Oh love, the stuff it makes us do…

The reveal…

Jack was his name. He often left her smitten. Every meeting with him felt special and intimate and she loved every minute. It usually felt like they fed off each other. Every word they said built on each other. That was a legit turn on for her…

So why do you think she would hide such a wonderful thing from almost all of her friends including her mother? 

Well, there were a couple of reasons one being, that she had suffered one tremendous heartbreak before. And it broke her!! Like really break her. So opening up again, really took everything she had. The little trust she had left.

Secondly, when it came to relationships, she chose to go in a different direction than her other millennials. She believed in privacy. There things she chose to keep close to her heart; family, special friendships and yeah relationships. Her mantra; nobody really needs to know your business.

Also and probably where the red flag showed the loudest, he was a bit older and recently separated from the mother of his kids. Yeahhh!! so you see what she was dealing with. Something she never thought she would ever deal with like ever. This was new ground for her. It felt dangerous but she was ready to risk it all. He was worth it…she felt it deep down and one thing she trusted was her gut. It never failed her at any point so why would it fail her now?

It was good. It was really good for a long time. Sure they had their ups and downs but what was special about them is that they always chose each other despite anything they faced. Her Ying to his Yang they had sort of created the perfect balance between them…

She grew so much in this particular relationship she became her own woman. He pretty much held his hand and guided her through what he felt was important for her growth and this eventually helped her expand the growing empire that she created. She became an independent thinker. A completely different person but in a good way she was always making some kind of reasonable progress in different spectrums of her life and that made her happy.

But cracks started showing…it was in their little arguments their little codes of silence, other people trying to get in between them that something had to give.

They fought each other and everything that was set to break them. But it got to a point where she felt like she fought more than he did. He didn’t defend her as he once did. She didn’t feel as important to him as she did before. It wasn’t the same. Had he changed? She kept asking herself, this question tore her apart…she sought re-assurance but he didn’t give it to her. Why? How could this sweet person she once trusted with her entire heart, break her? Go against everything that he had promised, for what? Was it all a game?

From bad to worse…

Sinking…she kept on sinking but she was too smart for this she had to find an out. She had to get back to herself. She needed to give herself the love she was giving out for free. She needed to be okay.

And so one day, after driving her home, she finally broke the news to him.

“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t fight alone for us. I’m tired and exhausted. And I don’t need you to say anything, I’m not putting you in that spot again. I’m not begging you to give me an explanation. You just need to listen. I don’t even want you to look at me.”

She said as he blankly stared at the wheel.

“I’m okay it doesn’t break me as much as it used to break me. I’m fine.” She said as a tear fell on her purse. Thank you for loving me the way I deserved once, thank you for helping me see the world differently, for the laughs, for the climatic endings we had and thank you for having my back. But this is my end.”

You’ve wanted to end this a couple of times now because you felt your back was up against the wall well now I’m giving you an out. I loved you…I still do. I don’t think I will always do though I mean this is not a Taylor Swift song, our lives will move on from this, one sooner than the other and that’s life. You always say these things to me so in a way, it’s like you always prepared me for this moment I just didn’t know it…”

Taking a deep sigh, she looked outside the car window and she knew it was her time to leave…she let go of his hand. She didn’t even realize she had taken it when she was pouring out all that she felt and left.

Getting to know someone in such an intense way then being forced to step back and turn this person into a stranger isn’t the easiest of things. I know a lot of us regret giving out the best parts of ourselves then have to get them back. 

Letting go, of what you love so as to preserve your sanity, is one brave thing to do. So if you find yourself in a messed up situation that keeps eating at you and you decide to leave? know that you’re entitled to be selfish with yourself. And this piece is just a reassurance to you that it’s okay to choose yourself.

#marykenya

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