Driving on the highway in silence is something that I never mind doing. I love the calm feeling it brings along. But it gets wierd when the silence between two people becomes deafening on these rides and you don’t understand where it is coming from…I’ve been silent for quite some time now, and the most I can do is listen… listening to get away… listening to get lost…that has been me lately. It’s like an invincible gag was placed around me and everytime I try to speak, something just chokes the life out of me.
It’s really nobody’s fault, I’m used to fighting my battles in silence and alone. They either get solved quietly (which is what happens mostly) or they end up exploding after being suppressed for a very long time and trust me, that’s never the best scenario(which was this times result).
Case and point; I’m perfect one time then I’m falling apart in the next moment. Story of my life!!
I have been existing in moments in my life where I felt loss in the deepest most painful way. Ghosts from my past kept crawling from the cage I thought I had locked tight and destroyed the key to. I wasn’t ready to face them and that’s why when they came, they knocked me down so hard I couldn’t feel anything….but that wasn’t the worst thing…the worst problem came in when I couldn’t voice it…I just didn’t know how to and that took a complete toll on me and my most precious relationships.
They say communication is key. I uphold and support communication all the time but what happens when you can’t put into words what you really feel? I want to cry but I really can’t…I want to shout but I can’t people will think I’m crazy so what can I do?? Sit there I guess…sit and wait.
In this journey self realization and actualization, there are times you feel you’ve lost sight of who you really are…what you truly are. It’s like being locked in a very dark room trying to find your way through the dark chaos. Or dropped in the middle of the street in Nairobi at rush hour waking up to the noise and the stares. It’s a terrible sickening feeling.
They say it’s okay to feel that way. To feel loss and pain but it’s never okay when you are in that uncomfortable position… it’s hard to see stuff in that light at a trying time and that was my problem. I kept fighting with the fact that it was a necessary pain but, I let myself sink…sink into a pool that kept drowning me and taking the little bit of soul I had left.
So yeah I went through a very difficult phase and in more ways than one, I thank God I got through it and made peace with my demons (for now and hopefully forever). I FINALLY got to share some of them with someone through a lot of tears of course but yeah it helped so learn to share your problems. It will never be worth it to die with them. You know what they say about problems…a problem shared….
Learn that it’s okay to lose control of your emotions… it’s okay to break down and let in the pain…feel it if you must but rise above it when you feel it’s time to do so…
Marykenyablog 💜 50th post!!!!💜