Still dealing…

Loss and grief…how do you deal? How do you process? I know there’s no known formula to ease the pain or try and understand why things happen as they do, and thus I’ve found myself in this blank space lately not knowing whether to deal with the emotions or run in the opposite direction?
….

Dealing with the loss of a loved one is never easy…the people I have lost within that short period of time felt like they took a piece of me but they also made a huge impact in my life.

Waking up lately for me feels different. I don’t take it for granted as I used to. I give thanks to the Almighty for grace and a new dawn. My routine has changed and my thought process as well because nothing is guaranteed not even the next minute.

New routine changes…

I call my mom every chance I get to just listen to every single story she has for me whether she keeps on repeating them or not. I’m glad it makes her happy especially when we get to share ‘mushene’ gossip with her. We have scheduled lunch dates that she gets to an hour later upon the agreed time and every chance I get, I go home to see her or she comes to my place to chill. We upset each other from time to time but I don’t take it to heart… why would I? I wouldn’t want to lose such a special bond. Plus at the end of the day, she usually ends up being right…sooooo yeeaahh….mums.

…Cue in my brother who is now legal!! I can’t believe it because he makes me feel ancient! Now, this literal twin of mine remembers me when he’s broke and needs to use my W-FI. This is his weird way of showing love and to keep contact which we have come to respect. He calls from time to time to check on me even if the call doesn’t last for more than a minute. But what gets us both excited is how he gets when he’s explaining every experience playing soccer it’s his thing. It’s his dream. It’s what makes him tick. I hope that one day I’ll be able to help him live out that dream on a world stage…One day.

On the other hand, my person is on a different path. New territory comes with it new experiences and new adventure. This, of course, is something I look forward to having a conversation over. It’s cool plus there’s a special kind of attraction you get from a man who works hard and smart for his money. Ladies, I bet ya’ll can agree to this.

…Every cuddle every stolen glance, misunderstanding and handholding feels different…it might be the last it might be the only one I have and I don’t want to take it for granted.

And my circle, what would I be without them? Absolutely no idea, I’m mostly a loner something I picked up from my mom. So having these people around my orbit is something I hold dear. They’ve seen me through my worst and didn’t care to judge. They are my voice of reason whenever I’m about to turn stupid and my comical relief when I need those pick me up moments. Seeing people who at some point were complete strangers turn to family, warms my very cold heart.

I value more now. I have realized that my people or even I might not be here for a very long time. And that’s life; Valuing moments, the journey and the people in your life before times up.

I choose to love different now, see different, and even criticize differently.

I still haven’t figured out how to heal faster, with less pain, and fewer questions but what I’d recommend is; take your time. Feel what you need to. Cry, laugh, be around more friends, isolate yourself at times, or even question your last act on your time together with a lost loved one…do them all or do none of them…just make peace your way and honor them with the kind of decisions and actions you take at the end of the day.

#marykenya

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