Standing at the shore line and listening to the sound of the ocean speak and sing…I stop to ask myself why…why do I find myself at the same place…is it worth it? A familiar voice in my head echoes the question and all these small pieces of self-doubt come rushing in and all I can do is give in and fall to my knees.
…At this moment I’m weak and find myself at the mercy of defeat…trying to fight back the tears, I close my eyes and picture days that made me smile, days that gave me purpose and will…but they don’t seem to be enough to wipe away the confusion and sadness that has left me in a dark place.
Run! But where to? The world that I trusted to hold me up, seem to have turned its back on me and just dropped me…I know Mr. World doesn’t owe me anything but come on..!! This is too much!
…So I choose to turn to the only escape that saves me from my reality…My space or rather my fantasy comes to life. In this realm I’m in control…everything is in place…and in order that I want them to be. I’ve taken control of my ship and everything is running its course. I finally find the peace I’ve been thirsting for … I’m safe and content…but wait a minute! Oh no…!!!
…The train labeled REALITY hits me so hard and smacks me back to my real night mare…at that moment I know I can’t stay… none of it is real and none of it can save me…I need to go back and make things right no matter what it takes…
…ever since I started to share my journey, certain chain of events have been happening…some good and some bad….sharing the dark side of my journey I must admit wasn’t easy…it’s never easy to admit to ‘failure’ or the state of defeat…getting to a point where you don’t understand whether you are coming or going really sucks..
The state of plateau as i like to call it is an ordeal where one doesn’t seem to experience any development. You’re just there chasing after your tail like a dog. That has been me lately, and one of the ways i choose to overcome this phase is through sharing this very difficult piece.
I guess what I’m trying to say is we all have those moments where what we are passionate about continues to hit road blocks that slow as down constantly and we are left stranded on the side of the road helpless and out of strength.!
…but amidst everything I choose to find my strength however much it costs…I have to choose myself at the end of the day…I take my little wins as my main source of motivation… and they give me a reason to fight…I choose to be a student of life and I learn through the heart ache the pain and the tears and when I look back at the ugliness…I smile and continue walking towards my destination.