I find myself holding my breathe for as long as I can to try and stop the confusion that I’ve been feeling for a very long time. I try to control my breathing so as to get a hold of my anxiety. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. It’s much of a gamble really…I role the dice, and wait to see the outcome, hoping the odds will be in my favor.
My walls around me are falling apart…I’m bleeding from the inside and it’s getting worse with every breathe I take…why don’t the voices of my head stop? What kind of wrong did I do?? I’m drowning, and every time I try gasping for air….something keeps pulling me down.
…I feel as if something has been chasing me, a monster that I don’t want to face. When I feel it’s presence around me, I take off immediately. I can’t rest because I know it’s always out to get me. Truth is, I’ve been fighting a loosing battle that a lot of people are not aware of. I smile around my friends and family, and take on social conversations just like everyone else and people think I’m doing good…amazing actually but what they don’t know is that I’m falling apart in the inside.
What people don’t know or understand is that depression is real. It’s costed a lot of lives and it continues to be one of the biggest silent killers people continue ignoring.
How do you begin to diagnose depression from someone or even from yourself?? It affects people differently and from what I’ve read, and observed, it’s not as easy as diagnosing a headache, toothache or stomach ache. So I’ll try putting what I’ve learnt the best way I can.
Depression is something that develops from the stress we pick up from our day to day; from missing important appointments, misunderstandings with friends and family or suffering from incredible losses, that greatly affect our very core.(these are just some of the things in general) Piling up these stress enducing experiences, is what brings on depression. *Note that these are not the only ways.
It can be mild/moderate or strong depending on how much it has affected the individual. As I’ve said before, depression comes along when we find ourselves piling up a lot of the baggage we come across. And the fact that we find it hard letting go of some of it, just ends up hurting us more than we would think.
As a result, it ends up hurting our soul and our physical wellbeing. You find yourself increasing or reducing weight drastically and in an unhealthy way, you naturally become dull, you end up losing your appetite, your strength takes a nose dive and it ends up affecting your creativity and thought process as well. It ends up hurting our bodies terminally too because one may end up developing diabetes, Blood pressure and even heart related problems.
A lot of us have managed to hide this from the people we love most especially because we’re proud and in-denial. We’ve been raised in a society that believes that anyone who suffers from any of the mental related issues, should be shown in a different light and that holds a lot of people back.
So how do you start dealing?? Depression is a mental state of mind that leaves one feeling alone and locked in a cell that you can’t seem to get out from. It literally cripples because it acts from the fear that has continued to grow inside…you loose all meaning to life and nothing makes sense anymore…time stops as the world continues to move on without you.
Anytime you try speaking out, you can’t seem to make sense of what you’re saying and nobody seems to understand you…it’s feels like one is fighting a loosing battle.
Is this the reason why many victims end up taking their lives?? Is this the reason why they’ll give up hope and prefer taking all that pain away??
In life, we find ourselves on a quest to look for peace of mind from the moment we become self aware. But what is the definition of peace of mind? Would one have peace of mind with all the money and power? With all the suitors in life? With all the friends one could ever have? With the best kind of husband or wife? Or working on the most important projects in life? Where does this peace of mind come from? Can I buy it in the super market?? Or pills I can get over the counter?
Peace of mind for me is staying still when everything around me is falling apart…being able to control the my reaction before the roaring beast that seeks to put the fear of god in me…peace of mind is trying to find silver linings on the dark clouds that are ready to pour like hell…peace of mind is also letting myself feel and hurt when I need to…I let myself break down so as to build myself back again…I don’t think it’s being weak…I think it’s being strong enough to acknowledge what is happening around me. But not giving it all my time.
How do we begin to fight this? If you’re suffering from depression…it’s okay nobody has the right to judge you…everybody is dealing with something…deal with it the best way you can.
With the understanding that it all stems from your thought process, try changing that…I know it’s easier said than done and I may not know what you’re dealing with, but that’s where you need to start…remember that some days will be better than others and others will be full of torture but you will get through them…you’ve already gone through times you never thought you would and here you’re.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help from a friend or from a professional. A good support system goes a long way. Read…reading for me has helped a great deal. I call it Word Therapy. Faith is important too…pray about it and read the scriptures. Let your faith be your anchor through uncertain times.
Help others too…I find it very helpful when I get to help people with their problems. It doesn’t act as a distraction but rather it gives you another perspective on how to deal with your own issues. Last but not least, just breath…at times its the best we can do in a day.
In conclusion, let’s pay attention to the people around us…let’s reach out to those who need help from us especially to those who put on a brave face.
Remember that depression can affect anybody and with that in mind, learn how to be kind to one another.
P.S Marykenya is not in any way an expert. This is just a small contribution to the discussion because I believe it doesn’t have to take any more lives again